DISSECTION.

you said ‘i.’

you did.

you gave me yourself, or so i thought. you said you were mine, but you lied. you said ‘i’ to a lot of other things, too, did you not?

but you said you didn’t. you said that i, me, was more important to your ‘i’ than anything else. you try to turn it on me now; try to make me feel like i am the one that did wrong.

but i’m not. i meant what i said. i was true, i was real, i was everything you said you were, too.

but you lied.

you lie when you say ‘i.’



you said love.

you did.

you said it, said it to me. did you mean it? can you have meant it? could you mean ‘love’ when you said ‘i,’ but lied. did you mean it when you loved me? are you the person who haunts my memories, or is that ‘love’ like your ‘i?’

i hope you meant it – i did. when i say love, i mean it. it comes from the heart of my soul, from the back of my throat, from every cell that composes every bone. i mean it when i say ‘love,’ though now i wish i didn’t.

now i wish i could say ‘loved.’ why? because you lied. you lied when you said ‘i’ and you fibbed when you said ‘love.’



you said ‘you.’

you did.

you said ‘you’ to me. you kissed my forehead, my cheek, my lips. you said ‘you’ in words and in actions – were you serious? you picked me to be your ‘you,’ did you want to? were you happy? why did you make me ‘you’ when you weren’t honest? were scared of me, being your ‘you?’

you want another ‘you,’ now. you’re off to explore other places, other things, other people. but i’m stuck; stuck here and in memories brought out by places i’ve been with you. by things you said. by the impression you left on me heart, my soul, my existence.

when all you did was call me, ‘you.’ but, then again, you lied when you said ‘i’ and you fibbed when you said ‘love,’ so how can i believe that you ever wanted me to be your ‘you?’



you said forever.

you did.

then you said goodbye.

remind me how goodbye fits in with forever; how a break can be as continuous as the word ‘forever’ implies. explain to me how me, without you, fits into this ‘forever’ you so adamantly implied and expressed. tell me how you expect to complete this promise when you’re away, physically and mentally, from being with me…

forever. what a vicious word. oh how it taunts and pulls and spits back out everything i’m trying to forget. i wanted that forever. i wished upon that forever. we thought about forever and bouncing heads running under a good morning kiss…

but it’s gone now. you chased it away. you weren’t the ‘i’ i thought you were, you didn’t ‘love’ like you said, you didn’t hold me up to be your ‘you,’ and you broke our ‘forever.’ so don’t try to refresh me with updated lies and excuses; leave your insincere apologies back with that lie you told me day and night. i don’t think i could handle it, couldn’t swallow that fib that once made my world.

i know i’d collapse

if i hear you proclaim

‘i love you forever’

ever again.


[9.18.2009]