GIGGLES.

the sky was blue, speckled with balls of cotton. the sun was out, but not prominent; the weather was perfect. two sat; reading, waiting, discussing.

belly.
chickens.
roller skates.

then there were three and it was complete. what mischief could they cause now? three of the perfect students secretly longed for chaos.

jumping.
skipping.
running.

they sprawled out on the grass, staring up at the infinity of sky; the kind that allowed you to fall up. no one else questioned them; this was normal.

HA.
bestial wail.
chinning.

the freaky asian kid, the midget, the tall one; inseparable, unapproachable, unmatched. such friendship is irreplaceable.

they share a look, a smile, a word, and burst into a fit of
giggles.

[9.30.2009]

HIM VS. YOU.

today there was a moment
when i did not think of you,
for the first time in a while
i thought we might be through.

another took my hand this morning
while we sat in class.
i grinned at him and him at me
and a mere second did pass
when of you i wasn't thinking,
for you completely left my mind,
but a tiny second later
thoughts of you made me blind.

so now i sit here debating
the two ways this could go
i could take his hand tomorrow
or wait for you to know.

i knew all along
that thing you can't decide,
so i can't sit here waiting
for you to make up your mind.
do you really want me?
or will you leave me behind?
i'm sure of what i wanted
but none of that survived.

so maybe i'll just let him,
the next time that he tries,
for with a kiss he just might fix
all of your silly lies.



[9.24.2009]

PORCH.

Red sneakers, white t-shirt,
an old pair of jeans,
doubles zoom past
so that I barely see
he sun off their bikes;
nearly miss all their laughter.
I know who will win
and I know what she’s after.
The little girl screams
as she crosses the line,
she pumps her fists in the air
as he screams, “one more time!”

My distraction, one of many,
on this beautiful day.
With the sun out and shining,
everyone’s out to play.
The green grass in front of me
is growing too tall
but I’m too lazy to mow it
as it creeps into Fall.

My tabby cat rests lazily
soaking up the late summer sun
and a small dog barks loudly
while out for a run.
The sky is too blue
for a simple afternoon
the neighbors grin and wave
knowing too soon
the weather will freeze
locking us inside
so just for a while longer
we’ll enjoy the ride.

Today it feels perfect,
and for as long as I may,
out here on my front porch
is where I will stay.

[9.22.2009]

WISHED.

today, for the first time, i wished something new.

i wished, not for us to find peace, not for these feelings to go away... no, my normal wishes were forgotten today.

today, i wished that you knew what you did to me.

and i hope it hits you soon.

because when it does, when it finally catches up to you, it's going to hit hard. it'll knock you down to your hands and knees, i promise.

and

then

maybe you'll regret it.

maybe there, on the ground, you'll understand.

then, maybe, you'll stop being so arrogant and realize that your actions affect the people around you,

and

more,

they affect the people who love you; they affect me.

today, i wished.

and i hope to hope's end that this one comes true.

RUN.

i told you that i hate them,
the ones who simply acted.
you told me you agreed,
it was much better to be attracted
to people who were real
and told the truth about
everything around them,
leaving others with no doubt.

i told you that i was with you
but then you said goodbye.
i thought that i would crumble
i thought that i would die.
but now that i can see you
from a place farther away
i realize that i get better
with every passing day.

i told you you were perfect
but now i see i lied
it's not my fault, however,
but now, look, we're tied.
you act now like those people
i said i couldn't stand
the ones i said i hated
the ones with whom you planned.

so go on with your life now
however fake it may be
because i'm sick and tired
of repeating my sad plea.
i tell my friends we're over,
how i wish that we were done.
i vainly long to hate you
but i cant, so i run.


[9.19.2009]

DISSECTION.

you said ‘i.’

you did.

you gave me yourself, or so i thought. you said you were mine, but you lied. you said ‘i’ to a lot of other things, too, did you not?

but you said you didn’t. you said that i, me, was more important to your ‘i’ than anything else. you try to turn it on me now; try to make me feel like i am the one that did wrong.

but i’m not. i meant what i said. i was true, i was real, i was everything you said you were, too.

but you lied.

you lie when you say ‘i.’



you said love.

you did.

you said it, said it to me. did you mean it? can you have meant it? could you mean ‘love’ when you said ‘i,’ but lied. did you mean it when you loved me? are you the person who haunts my memories, or is that ‘love’ like your ‘i?’

i hope you meant it – i did. when i say love, i mean it. it comes from the heart of my soul, from the back of my throat, from every cell that composes every bone. i mean it when i say ‘love,’ though now i wish i didn’t.

now i wish i could say ‘loved.’ why? because you lied. you lied when you said ‘i’ and you fibbed when you said ‘love.’



you said ‘you.’

you did.

you said ‘you’ to me. you kissed my forehead, my cheek, my lips. you said ‘you’ in words and in actions – were you serious? you picked me to be your ‘you,’ did you want to? were you happy? why did you make me ‘you’ when you weren’t honest? were scared of me, being your ‘you?’

you want another ‘you,’ now. you’re off to explore other places, other things, other people. but i’m stuck; stuck here and in memories brought out by places i’ve been with you. by things you said. by the impression you left on me heart, my soul, my existence.

when all you did was call me, ‘you.’ but, then again, you lied when you said ‘i’ and you fibbed when you said ‘love,’ so how can i believe that you ever wanted me to be your ‘you?’



you said forever.

you did.

then you said goodbye.

remind me how goodbye fits in with forever; how a break can be as continuous as the word ‘forever’ implies. explain to me how me, without you, fits into this ‘forever’ you so adamantly implied and expressed. tell me how you expect to complete this promise when you’re away, physically and mentally, from being with me…

forever. what a vicious word. oh how it taunts and pulls and spits back out everything i’m trying to forget. i wanted that forever. i wished upon that forever. we thought about forever and bouncing heads running under a good morning kiss…

but it’s gone now. you chased it away. you weren’t the ‘i’ i thought you were, you didn’t ‘love’ like you said, you didn’t hold me up to be your ‘you,’ and you broke our ‘forever.’ so don’t try to refresh me with updated lies and excuses; leave your insincere apologies back with that lie you told me day and night. i don’t think i could handle it, couldn’t swallow that fib that once made my world.

i know i’d collapse

if i hear you proclaim

‘i love you forever’

ever again.


[9.18.2009]

CONFUSION.

there’s a time that resulted in confusion.

she knows it.

she acknowledges, quite obviously, the best of her: of her life, of her existence, of her personality. she knows that he was the reason: for her smiles, for her tears, for her emotions, for her.

he made the songs make sense and the fairytales reality. he made her smile when she was devastated and laugh when she was crying. he kissed away her tears and smoothed out her knots.

he was hers, just as she was his. they never belonged with each other; no, they belonged to each other. they were perfect, incredible, on fire.

now, though, that time is over. he is not hers, and she belongs to memories.

his smiles.

his laughter.

his tears.

his assurances.

his impression.

which of them can she believe, now, looking back?

she longs to hate him. she longs for him. who she had; was it him?

confusion.

she belongs to confusion now. it owns her as he once did. what does she want now? she couldn’t tell you.

one thing.

one thing she could tell you, as she sits surrounded by the rain of confusion: of all the lies, ‘i love you’ was her favorite.


[9.18.2009]

ACHES.

she was supposed to be happy.

no, not just happy, ecstatic. through the roof, bouncing off the walls, overall truly joyful.

yes. and, had she been normal, she would have been.

but she’s not normal, not anymore. she tries, sure, but it’s hard to be normal with normal has been changed. when what had become “normal” is no longer real, but a dream that haunts her as she sleeps.

she got used to it, allowed it to become her “normal” – something no one should ever do – and it proved to be her downfall.

who else, who else besides her could sit next to one of the nicest guys on earth, surrounded by good people, all laughing, having fun, watching their team annihilate their opponent, and not be happy? who else could laugh along and put on a charade while breaking apart?

not many people.

but was it really her fault that he – in the way he talked and acted and smiled – reminded her of what she was missing? that he, who had been so cluelessly envied by the one he hated, would make her long for the just that person? why couldn’t she realize what countless people had told her? that he wasn’t right for her, that he was bad, that he wasn’t a good person. why couldn’t she believe that? she’d surely hated people for less.

but she can’t.

so she aches.

she aches as she smiles at the boy next to her. she aches as another boy texts, “i love you.” she aches as she stands in the doorway looking out at a world where everything reminds her of him.

she isn’t happy.

she acts.

and she hates it more every day.


[9.4.2009]

CREATION.

come.

come one, come all.

listen to my thoughts. my words. my letters.

let them influence you.

or not; it does not matter to me.

i am here, and i will stay.

for now.

for later.

for always.