ACHES.

she was supposed to be happy.

no, not just happy, ecstatic. through the roof, bouncing off the walls, overall truly joyful.

yes. and, had she been normal, she would have been.

but she’s not normal, not anymore. she tries, sure, but it’s hard to be normal with normal has been changed. when what had become “normal” is no longer real, but a dream that haunts her as she sleeps.

she got used to it, allowed it to become her “normal” – something no one should ever do – and it proved to be her downfall.

who else, who else besides her could sit next to one of the nicest guys on earth, surrounded by good people, all laughing, having fun, watching their team annihilate their opponent, and not be happy? who else could laugh along and put on a charade while breaking apart?

not many people.

but was it really her fault that he – in the way he talked and acted and smiled – reminded her of what she was missing? that he, who had been so cluelessly envied by the one he hated, would make her long for the just that person? why couldn’t she realize what countless people had told her? that he wasn’t right for her, that he was bad, that he wasn’t a good person. why couldn’t she believe that? she’d surely hated people for less.

but she can’t.

so she aches.

she aches as she smiles at the boy next to her. she aches as another boy texts, “i love you.” she aches as she stands in the doorway looking out at a world where everything reminds her of him.

she isn’t happy.

she acts.

and she hates it more every day.


[9.4.2009]