MISS YOU.

have you ever missed someone so bad it hurts? like so much that it really, truly, honestly causes you physical anguish? and there's no way to make it better, either. that's another thing. the only thing that will make you feel better is to see them again, but you can't.

and then, while you're missing them, you can't tell if what they are saying is true. you can't see their face when they talk to you making it impossible for you to see their eyes, to tell if they are lying. maybe it's easier for them to forget about you, when they're off being busy and you're sitting at home missing them...

it makes you wish for a fast forward button. or a disaster that would give you some excuse to up and go see them right now. and no one understands unless they t0o have missed someone this badly. which isn't many people, i think, because the only reason i'm allowing it is because i have no choice.

i wish i could read his mind. so i knew if he missed me like he says. because i can never tell.

so lately i've been in a anti-social, anti-people mood. and its a lot of things, but its mainly because i don't like this missing-him thing. because i technically don't even have him to miss.

not today; not on what would be ten months.

he probably doesn't even realize.

[10.25.09]

LOVE.

(one of my favorite quotes on love to begin this post)

so lately, i've been thinking a lot about love. as in i've been trying to decide what it really is, how you fall in love, out of love, etc. i read something on my friend's blog about it and that kind of fueled a lot of what i was already thinking.

i knew i loved someone, and that somehow we'd be together, about seven months before he realized the same about me. let me tell you right now, that is not something fun to go through. but, i wouldn't have said i "fell in love" with him then. i didn't "fall in love" with him until later. and i find it weird how these two things, "loving" someone and "falling in love" with them, are completely different. another thing that constantly astonishes me is how differently you love people. for example, though i love a lot of people, there are only two people i love enough that i can honestly say that if they were to die or cease to exist in my life, i would have trouble moving on: my sister and the guy i love. and of those two people, if i were to lose my sister, but have the guy i love to help me through it, i think i could eventually be okay with my life. what pains me to realize, and i just realized it last night, is that if i were to lose the guy and have my sister to help me through it, i don't know how i'd be. i honestly think that would be harder to get over, for me, than losing my sister.

my sister.

that is a realization that really hit me hard. of course, i don't want her to die. i would come close to a mental break down, if not have one, if she did; however, if i had the guy to help me through it, i think i would continue to be okay. this is the girl i grew up with, my best girl friend, the person i rely on the most in my household, and i truly think it would be easier to get over her death than the death of my significant other.

how messed up is that?

and, now, i'm not even with this guy. technically, i have no tie to him right now other than friendship. and, more, i've known him for only about two years, and yet i'm hopelessly in love with him. i don't even know if he loves me like that anymore; he says he does, but i've always had a hard time believing it. and, still, i would suffer physical pain for this guy. i say i love him, but i almost feel like that doesn't cover it. really, there is no "more powerful" word to describe it.

but love is so complicated. you can't reason with it, you can't control it, you can't say 'hey, can you just hold on a sec because now this guy's in a relationship...' you can't stop it, you have absolutely no say in what i consider to be love. love, in the sense of partnerships, is something that is completely unreal and inexplicable. it makes people act insane and can even make them go crazy. i want to say it's a feeling, but it's really not. a feeling is something you have for a second; i don't think that real, true love ever goes away. when people say they have fallen in love more than once, i always question that. can you fall in love more that once? can you fall in love with the wrong person? or do you just think that you love(d) them?

me, in my naivety, would love to believe that you only fall in love once in your life. that there is one person that can make your world spin, your mind jumbled, and give you that completely cliche feeling that everyone writes about but no one really understands until they themselves have felt it. i want to believe that if you really aren't meant to be with someone you thought you love, it's for the best because you'll find someone that you'll love past the point of reason.

but what if you can't imagine loving anyone more than you love someone now? what if the thought of loving someone else more than you love someone now makes absolutely no sense to you? i think that if i were to love someone more than the guy i love now, the world would implode, or, at the very least, i would. everything in the songs and stories not only make sense to me, but they undercut it. i'm convinced that no one loves another person like i love him, which i know is probably completely wrong. i feel stupid saying things like this not only are they cliche, but no one believes that someone can meet the person they will love for the rest of their life at the mere age of fifteen (which was how old i was when i met him). no one believes that this is legitimate; 'oh, its teenage love, how cute!' they say. i want to stomp my feet and yell, 'it's not like that!' because it's not. and, i know one day i might take back everything i'm saying now, i'm not stupid enough to think everything i'm feeling now will stay, i'm just saying that i'm pretty sure i won't find anyone that i love as much as him. and, sometimes, i hate it.

because it's really not fair. not to me. not to him...

i've digressed.

love.

i guess, i just think that it is a compilation of feelings mixed with the unimagined and the unbelievable. falling in love takes you by surprise, or so it has with me. and falling out of love seems damn near impossible. love is something you have to experience and when you do, you'll know. it makes you lose sight of everything else.

the other day i was talking to my guy about how love and sex really are linked. though we aren't together, we still love each other, and i don't know. like love, my relationship is complicated. but i've always had my friends saying that what me and him have is lust, or teenage love, or some other term that is no where near close to describing what we really have. lust is just sex. i was saying that even if i never passed kissing my guy, i would be fine. i could live a perfectly happy life if all i could do was be with and/or kiss him. the reason that you have sex with someone, at least in my mind, is because you love them and you are just so overwhelmed that you need to touch them, feel them, etc., and that's the most intense way to do so. he was telling me that he could honestly sit next to me forever just holding me, and he wouldn't complain. and i agree. people judge teenagers with they have sex mostly because they can't believe that they are in love, and probably a majority of the time they aren't.

but when you are in love. and you love someone else so much it honestly hurts at times. and when missing them is the worse pain imaginable... i can't see anything that would be more intense than that. i can't picture meeting anyone that makes me happier than him.

but, at the same time, if he were to tell me that he didn't love me. that he found someone else who made him happier (something i'm half-convinced is going to happen), i'd let him go. happily. sure, i'd be miserable, but as long as he is happy, i can live with that. and i know a lot of people say that and don't mean it. but i lived nearly eight months practicing that belief and while it would be harder to go back to it now, i would. i need him to be happy, and if that is with me then you won't hear me complain about anything, but if that's with someone else, i'll deal with it.

and, really, if that isn't "true love" i don't know what it is, but i can't wait to see because i can't imagine anything better, worse, more confusing, more exhilarating than this.

i'll probably think of more important things i wanted to say later, but oh well. i'll edit or something. ha.

[10.21.09]

INSPIRATION.

so today, after school, i was inspired.
first, as i watched one of my friends teach another girl a dance that my friend had choreographed. the way they both moved their bodies was so foreign to me. i could never move like that. the muscles are so toned and just brilliant. i wished i had been able to dance.
then, i was sitting listening to my friend play me the guitar.
he's really good. it's pretty ridiculous. my fingers just don't move that way, the way they have to to play a guitar. i'd love to learn, though.
anyway, he was playing all of these cover songs and then some of the ones he made up, and i was in awe. i wish i was good at something. really good. the way he is at music and guitar and writing songs. all of his songs are like so emotional and just... i don't know if i can describe it. it's that singer/songwriter connection that comes through when you hear someone perform their own song. as i watched his fingers fly to positions i know mine could never achieve, even after years of practice, i'd imagine, i was moved. and inspired. to write. i guess.
but then as i was driving home, i realized that i don't really have a "thing." another one of my friends is good at a variety of things, so she could pick anything to be her "thing" but doesn't really have to. me, i don't know what i'm good at. i don't really excel at anything. i'm just average or a little above average at some things, and then just average at others, and then i just suck at the rest.
but i'm not good at one thing; there is nothing about me that people would say yeah, megan garvey is good at this and it is fantastic. no one is jealous or wishes to have any skill i possess.
sure, i'm smart enough, i get by; i make friends; i could read music and play the piano very, very basically; i can draw better than some people, but not well at all; i like to sing, but i suck at it; i can't dance to save my life; i'm okay at softball and other athletic things, but not good enough to go anywhere at all with that; i can't act because i am too insecure; and i'm not even pretty.
i feel very average.
people remember me because of my personality, maybe. i'm crazy; i'm outgoing and such. but no one thinks of me as someone that stands out. no one really knows me for anything except for maybe some sort of drama i've caused. i am pretty good at stirring things up, i guess. but that's not something to be proud of.
but, especially now that i'm filling out college applications, i wish that i had something about myself that stood out. something i really was amazing at. something other than having to deal with all the stuff that comes my way. when i really think about it, the only thing that life has taught me to sincerely excel in is perseverance.
i'm still here.
but i'm not good at anything.
i'm average in a world where it's necessary to be exceptional. i want to stand out, to be recognized for something, but i just don't have anything to be recognized for.


[10.16.09]

MEMORIES.

there are so many things i never want to forget: your smile, your laugh, that look you give me when i'm being crazy, the feel of your skin, your lips, your hand in mine. i don't want to forget the way you say 'i love you' or the way you look at me.

there are so many memories that i never want to fade: sitting in your car after school waayy back just listening to music for hours, getting caught by tyler johnson in the parking lot late after school, the day you first kissed me (it was december, but it felt like october. the sun was out. the wind was blowing. we were at natchez looking over the bridge. there was a snake. you jumped the rock wall. i laughed. you hugged me. you kissed me.), sitting in your car in while everyone else was at winter formal (just sitting there, leaning on you, while becca texted you freaking out about wynn), the night you asked me out (you gave me my cd. i still have it. you asked me. i asked if you were serious. you laughed. i kissed you. you told me you loved me.), mock trail days, days i was sick and you took care of me, valentines day (so cute. alice is still in my closet. loveless. perfect day.), my birthday dinner thing (i still can't believe you sat through that.), playing "horse," that day we watched the lacrosse game after school when your car died and you "officially" asked me to prom (i still have that weird ass blue thing we found), prom (perfect.), summer days at your house.

too many more.

I know i probably shouldn't think about these as much as i do. i know i'm probably too caught up in the past. i know we might not be perfect again.

i know it may be wrong to grasp onto whatever little piece of us we still have.

but i can't help it.

and i need to write it down. i need to have it here. because i'm so scared i'll lose it. and if i lose this, if i lose you, i don't know who i'll become.

i'm scared.

[10.12.09]

CRASH.

It was windy; the kind of windy that forces the leaves to scatter and fall through the grey sky until they reach the thirsty ground. It feels like rain, though the weatherman had insisted it would stay dry. Uneasiness circles her like the strong winds as she walked to the car where he dad was paitently waiting. Throwing her bags in the backseat, she sits down and puts her seatbelt on as her dad pulls out of the parking lot. She glances out, up at the threatening grey sky that expands forever. Her dad opens his mouth, most likely to ask about her day, but as she looks back at him she catches sight of a SUV barrelling towards them with no apparent intention of stopping. It starts to rain, the sound mixing with the squeak of brakes; the SUV slams into her little car and, a second later, the grey sky is replaced with complete blackness.


[10.09.09][pathetic fallacy. ap lit.]

MEET ME HERE.

'take my hand,' he said, looking at her with those eyes.

'where will we go?' she inquired as she took it, sealing that feeling.

he didn't answer and she asked again with her eyes. then he told her silently; he pulled her to him and pressed his lips to hers and she knew. this was a place that couldn't be explained - not in words. it was the most well-kept secret of fate; it was the place where emotions were born and reason was lost.

it was the best place to be.

and it was wherever he was.

[10.6.09]