NIGHTMARE.

it hasn't always been like this. i used to find the experience bittersweet; sure they were sad now, but they were in for something better later on. that's the way it always worked in the movies and books and even when i heard stories from friends.

but now, i don't like reading about break-ups. in fact, i despise reading about anything concerning two people parting. horrifyingly, it's to the point where i'll skim over paragraphs or pages at a time when authors go into describing emotions. movies and songs and stories don't bother me as much because i don't feel it as much myself.

now, when i read about a break-up, i begin to relive my own. it's terrible and surprising and a rush of things that i never want to think about again. while there are a few triggers - places. songs. words. people. - none of them are quite as bad as reading about a break-up.

i've come to realize that there are two reasons that this hurts me so. reading has always been my favorite way of escaping. it was my i-don't-want-to-think-about-anything-so-i'll-do-this thing. i have a very close and personal relationship with reading and books that hardly anyone can understand. laugh if you will, but it's true. books make me happy. i think that this is the first reason i cannot read about break-ups. my getaway shouldn't include the thing i'm trying to escape, should it? words shouldn't betray me by forcing me to confront feelings and emotions that i'd rather run from. sure, it may be cowardly, but when my escape haunts me in such a way, i find it near torture.

but then, thinking about it, i realize that i can read about death. i can read about parental divorce and dysfunctional families and the loss of friendships. if i can read about these emotional and painful things, shouldn't i be able to stomach a simple teenage break-up? you'd think so. which brings me to my second reason: breaking-up has been the single life experience i am not ready to face. it is the only thing that i have experienced that i am not okay with. the only thing i cannot look back on and accept. it's a road block i refuse to go around.

which is probably the most pathetic thing ever, and i know that. i understand that he's just a guy, yet i can't let go. i justify running from those feelings that bubble up when i read about break-up's by thinking 'yeah, but we're not broken up.' because we aren't. but we should be - we have been. if everything had gone as was expected that night, we would be. and i can't accept that.

unlike with movies, i don't know that everything will work out in the end. not with us. while it very well could, it more easily won't and i'l'l have to experience my worst nightmare again. i know this, but i fight it.

i loathe reading about break-ups because when i do, i experience a personal relationship with the one thing i have been hiding from for the last six months.

[2/9/10]