INSPIRATION.

so today, after school, i was inspired.
first, as i watched one of my friends teach another girl a dance that my friend had choreographed. the way they both moved their bodies was so foreign to me. i could never move like that. the muscles are so toned and just brilliant. i wished i had been able to dance.
then, i was sitting listening to my friend play me the guitar.
he's really good. it's pretty ridiculous. my fingers just don't move that way, the way they have to to play a guitar. i'd love to learn, though.
anyway, he was playing all of these cover songs and then some of the ones he made up, and i was in awe. i wish i was good at something. really good. the way he is at music and guitar and writing songs. all of his songs are like so emotional and just... i don't know if i can describe it. it's that singer/songwriter connection that comes through when you hear someone perform their own song. as i watched his fingers fly to positions i know mine could never achieve, even after years of practice, i'd imagine, i was moved. and inspired. to write. i guess.
but then as i was driving home, i realized that i don't really have a "thing." another one of my friends is good at a variety of things, so she could pick anything to be her "thing" but doesn't really have to. me, i don't know what i'm good at. i don't really excel at anything. i'm just average or a little above average at some things, and then just average at others, and then i just suck at the rest.
but i'm not good at one thing; there is nothing about me that people would say yeah, megan garvey is good at this and it is fantastic. no one is jealous or wishes to have any skill i possess.
sure, i'm smart enough, i get by; i make friends; i could read music and play the piano very, very basically; i can draw better than some people, but not well at all; i like to sing, but i suck at it; i can't dance to save my life; i'm okay at softball and other athletic things, but not good enough to go anywhere at all with that; i can't act because i am too insecure; and i'm not even pretty.
i feel very average.
people remember me because of my personality, maybe. i'm crazy; i'm outgoing and such. but no one thinks of me as someone that stands out. no one really knows me for anything except for maybe some sort of drama i've caused. i am pretty good at stirring things up, i guess. but that's not something to be proud of.
but, especially now that i'm filling out college applications, i wish that i had something about myself that stood out. something i really was amazing at. something other than having to deal with all the stuff that comes my way. when i really think about it, the only thing that life has taught me to sincerely excel in is perseverance.
i'm still here.
but i'm not good at anything.
i'm average in a world where it's necessary to be exceptional. i want to stand out, to be recognized for something, but i just don't have anything to be recognized for.


[10.16.09]